


Cargan Drabbles

by ChameleonCircuit



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Cargan, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, Mentions of Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:27:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 6,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26870623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChameleonCircuit/pseuds/ChameleonCircuit
Summary: This is a collection of Cargan drabbles previously in another drabble collection
Relationships: Cargan - Relationship, Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Trevor Langan
Kudos: 2





	1. Pornstar AU + forbidden love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter tags: mentions of smut but no actual smut
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/177608424957/pornstar-au-forbidden-love-cargan
> 
> god i have so many feelings about this headcanon okay feel free to hit me up

Trevor recognized Sonny the moment he laid eyes on him as the only pornstar he had ever jerked off to. Porn had never really been his thing, but there was something about Sonny that did it for him in a way no one else had before.

Still, as he navigated the seedy bar, squeezing around couples grinding against each other, he hadn’t planned on talking to him. He didn’t wish to objectify someone so overtly, and yet he wasn’t sure he could look into those baby blues without thinking of what was inside his pants. He wasn’t sure he could look at those plush pink lips without thinking of them wrapped around his cock. Not when sex was the reason he’d come to this bar in the first place.

As he placed his order, Trevor felt a warm body press up against his. “Just put it on my tab, Mikey.”

Trevor swallowed hard before turning to look at Sonny, wide eyes glistening even in the dim light. He looked almost ethereal; too beautiful to be in a place like this. If Trevor didn’t know what he did for a living, he’d be concerned.

“I can afford my own drinks.”

“You can buy the next round, then,” Sonny said with a grin, sliding his arm around Trevor’s waist once they had their drinks in hand.

“Aren’t I a little old for you?” Trevor protested weakly as Sonny lead him to a grimy looking booth in the corner.

“If you’re uncomfortable you’re under no obligation,” Sonny said with a shrug.

Trevor knew he should leave. He knew he should thank Sonny for the drink and walk away, back home to his lonely apartment. But his weakness was sitting in front of him, daring him to stay, and Trevor couldn’t say no.

He let Sonny take him to a hotel down the road, let Sonny fuck him until he was an incoherent mess. He even let Sonny curl up against his side afterwards, tracing lazy circles on his chest while Trevor let his fingers dance across Sonny’s shoulder.

The next time Trevor went to the bar, he told himself it wasn’t in the hope of seeing Sonny again. But the moment they locked eyes from across the room, Trevor was drawn to him.

This continued for months. They didn’t always fuck. Sometimes they just talked, just sat together, laid together, fell asleep together. And sometimes Sonny would fuck him so hard he could feel it for days.

The problem was, Trevor didn’t just think about the things Sonny could do, anymore. More and more, Trevor found himself thinking about Sonny’s eyes, about the way his face lit up when he talked about going to law school. He found himself thinking of Sonny more often than not.

It was when Trevor picked up a tie one day while browsing and instantly thought of the way it would heighten the blue of Sonny’s eyes that he realized he was in love.


	2. "It’s six o’clock in the morning, you’re not having vodka."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter tags: fluff
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178070475472/its-six-oclock-in-the-morning-youre-not-having

Trevor watched as Sonny, seemingly unaffected by their lengthy flight and lack of sleep, dumped his bags in the doorway of their villa and ran out onto the balcony.

He smiled softly to himself, following until he was leaning against the doorway, watching as the wind, salty from the ocean, whipped through Sonny’s hair.

Sonny turned to him after a moment, eyes shining, smile as bright as the sun, and Trevor was suddenly struck by how young he was. The sea air and the early hour, combined with his boyish enthusiasm, made him seem even younger — almost unbearably so — and he once again had to wonder what a bright young thing like Sonny was doing with a tired old man like him.

“Hey,” Sonny said softly, closing in on him only to snake his arms around his neck. “You okay?”

“Of course.” Trevor smiled softly, leaning in to press a quick kiss to Sonny’s lips. “I’m with you.”

Sonny laughed, throwing his head back with the action, eyes crinkling at the corners. “And they say I’m the romantic one.”

Trevor hummed noncommittally, barely resisting the urge to reach for Sonny as he let go of his hold, moving back inside the apartment.

“How about I fix you a drink?” Sonny called over his shoulder, rummaging through the basket of goodie’s they’d been left by the owner.

“I’d much rather take you to bed.” Sonny grinned at that, tongue darting out to wet his lips, and Trevor rolled his eyes, adding, “To sleep.”

Christ, he felt old.

“C’mon. Just one drink. It’ll wake you up.” He waggled the bottle of vodka he had in hand for emphasis before grabbing a glass from the cupboard.

“It’s six o’clock in the morning,” Trevor protested. “You’re not having vodka.”

“Spoilsport,” Sonny teased with a pout, but he placed both the glass and the bottle down on the counter and made his way over to Trevor anyway. “If we sleep now we’ll waste the day.”

Sonny leaned up, pressing a kiss to the corner of Trevor’s mouth, and Trevor melted into the touch, winding his arms around Sonny’s waist.

“Just a few hours.”

Sonny smiled softly before nodding, reaching back to take one of Trevor’s hands in his own.

“Just a few hours,” he agreed, leading Trevor through to the bedroom.


	3. "Don’t you love me?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter tags: fluff
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178095921577/dont-you-love-me-cargan

Sonny tugged on Trevor’s arm as he tightened his grip. He grinned, looking up at Trevor through his lashes, and Trevor’s heart melted at the sight of him, just for a moment, before he stumbled, nearly pulling Trevor to the ground.

“C’mon,” Trevor sighed. “Let’s get you home.”

“Kebab first,” Sonny insisted, half-dragging Trevor across the road.

“Sonny, no. If you eat a kebab then you’ll likely be sick, and I don’t wish to spend my night on the bathroom floor with you. Again.”

He tried to sound stern, but it was hard when Sonny was pouting at him, lips bright red and plump and inviting.

“Don’t you love me?” Sonny whined, followed by a hiccough that seemed to run through his whole body.

Trevor chuckled, pulling Sonny flush against his side. “Of course. Which is why I’m taking you to bed, not to get second rate vendor food.”

Sonny buried his face into Trevor’s side, stumbling a little with the effort, but this time Trevor was holding him firmly.

“I love you too,” Sonny said quietly once they’d reached Trevor’s apartment.

Trevor smiled, pressing a kiss to the top of Sonny’s head as he unlocked the door. “I know you do.”


	4. "I can’t do this on my own."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter tags: angst, emotional hurt/comfort
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178097431157/i-cant-do-this-on-my-own-cargan

Sonny tracked the bob of Trevor’s Adam's apple as he swallowed, lowering the phone from his ear. He hesitated as Trevor stared at the black screen in his hands, phone held in a vice grip.

“Trevor?” Sonny asked quietly, and Trevor just gave a small shake of his head in response, jaw clenching.

Sonny felt his stomach swoop, and he rose from the lounge, hands hovering before settling on Trevor’s waist, thumbs brushing across the fabric of his shirt.

“Hey,” he said softly. “What happened?”

Trevor swallowed again, glancing at Sonny. “Ah,” he cleared his throat. “My father died.”

Sonny sucked in a sharp breath, heart clenching in sympathy. He knew Trevor and his father weren’t close, but he also knew that death could still his hard, regardless. He reached for Trevor’s hands, prying the phone from his grip to set it aside.

“I, ah, I need to…to sort his affairs, the funeral. I—“ Trevor broke off with a stuttered breath, and Sonny held his hands tight.

“What do you need me to do?” He asked quietly, thumbs brushing across Trevor’s knuckles.

Trevor was quiet for a moment, breathing slowly, deliberately, staring at their hands held between them. “Come to his house with me?” Trevor made eye contact, giving Sonny a weak smile. “I can’t do this on my own.”

His voice shook, and Sonny briefly wondered if Trevor was going to cry. In all their time together, he’d never once seen Trevor cry, and he honestly wasn’t sure he was equipped to deal with that.

“Of course,” Sonny whispered, reaching up to press a quick kiss to the corner of Trevor’s mouth. “Anything.”


	5. "I'll always be there for you. Don't you know that?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter tags: comfort
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178211678807/ill-always-be-there-for-you-dont-you-know

Sonny felt the laughter die on his tongue as he spotted Trevor sitting alone at the bar, cheeks tinged pink, lips turned downward.

“Hey, I’ll join you in a minute,” Sonny muttered to Fin, clapping him on the back as he left the squad to make their way to their usual table.

He felt a flash of hurt that Trevor had blown him off to drink alone, but he forced it down. The tension in Trevor’s shoulders was evident, and Sonny knew well enough by now that Trevor wouldn’t blow him off for no good reason, even if it appeared that way.

“Lookin’ real busy there,” Sonny said, teasing lilt in his voice as he hovered by Trevor’s side.

Trevor flinched, running a hand over his face before turning his head to glance at Sonny. His eyes were red-rimmed and glassy, and Sonny felt a pang deep in his stomach.

“I have no good explanation,” Trevor muttered, turning back to his drink.

“That’s okay, I don’t need one.” He carefully kept his voice gentle, his movements slow as he sat down.

Trevor rolled his eyes, heaving a sigh. “You’re allowed to be angry.”

“I’m not angry.” Sonny frowned, leaning in closer. “You okay?”

He watched Trevor open and close his mouth a couple of times before taking another mouthful of scotch, clenching his jaw as he swallowed.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me.” Trevor sighed, running his hands over his face, and Sonny felt his stomach drop. “Just…you’re worrying me.”

“It’s fine. I’m…I’ll be fine, nothing serious.” Trevor tried to smile, but it looked like more of a grimace. “You don’t need to deal with this. With me.”

Sonny frowned, brushing his knuckles across Trevor’s cheek before cupping his face. “I’ll always be there for you. Don’t you know that?”

Trevor smiled weakly, closing his eyes as he leaned into the touch just a little. “I know. I just needed to be alone.”

Sonny nodded, biting his lip, pushing down on the uncertainty bubbling up inside him at the thought that Trevor chose to drown his sorrows instead of taking refuge in him.

“You want me to go?”

Trevor shook his head. “Come home with me?”

A warmth bloomed in Sonny’s chest, and he smiled softly, running his thumb across Trevor’s cheekbone. “Of course.”


	6. Sonny Drunk Texting Trevor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter tags: fluff
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178332149332/sonny-drunk-texting-trevor

Trevor groaned, blinking awake at the sound of a text alert. He considered ignoring it, knowing that if it was truly important whoever it is would have called, but curiosity won out, and he rubbed his eyes before reaching for his phone.

_Sonny Carisi: I dunno where i am i need you_

Trevor felt his heart thud, adrenaline pumping through his system as he sat up. He tried calling Sonny instantly, but no one answered.

_Sonny Carisi: pls its no fun without u_

He deflated with a sigh, falling back against his pillow, a string of curses falling from his tongue. He was prepared to be angry, could feel it bubbling up inside of him at being woken in the middle of the night to a message like that, but the next message came with a picture of Sonny pouting, bright-eyed and rosy-cheeked, and he felt his anger dissipate in an instant.

**Trevor Langan: Do you want me to come get you?**

_Sonny Carisi: No come party_

Trevor groaned, shaking his head. Drinking in a bar was the last thing he wanted right now, but he knew, even before he’d made his mind up, that there was nothing Sonny could ask of him that he wouldn’t do, tragic as he knew that was.

**Trevor Langan: Send me your location.**

Trevor waited, almost drifting back off to sleep before Sonny finally worked out how to send Trevor his location. Queens. What the hell was Sonny doing in Queens?

As he reached his car, his phone pinged again.

_Sonny Carisi: god hurry up i wanna taste your cock_

Trevor froze completely, staring at the message before shaking his head, trying desperately to ignore the images flashing through his mind, images usually saved for the shower or late nights when he couldn’t sleep and needed something to take the edge off. Before he could pocket his phone, another message came through, along with a photo of Sonny practically deep-throating a beer bottle.

_Sonny Carisi: i want u baby_

Trevor groaned, face flushing, heat pooling in his stomach, and closed the app, climbing into the car.

He was halfway there when another picture message came through, and after an agonizing few minutes of trying to ignore it, his curiosity got the better of him and he opened it, glancing down. His mouth went dry at the sight of Sonny’s cock, thick and hard in his hand, and he adjusted himself in his own pants, trying to keep his focus on the road.

 _You’re an asshole_ , he thought to himself with a wry laugh, shaking his head.

His mind kept going back to that picture for the remainder of the drive, and when he got there, somehow managing to get a park just around the corner, he had to take a moment to truly compose himself before he got out of the car.

The bar was loud and crowded, and he couldn’t see Sonny anywhere. He closed his eyes, praying to a God he wasn’t sure he believed in that Sonny was anywhere but the bathroom, when his phone buzzed in his pocket again.

_Sonny Carisi: im waiting for u in bathrm_

_Sonny Carisi: pls_

_Sonny Carisi: i need u_

He took a deep breath and leaned against the corner of the bar.

**Trevor Langan: I’m not sure that’s wise. I’m parked around the corner. Let me drive you home.**

He waited for a response for what felt like ages, watching the minutes tick by agonizingly slowly, before a sense of worry overtook any kind of arousal he’d been feeling before.

**Trevor Langan: You okay?**

When a whole minute passed with no response, his stomach flipped, and he took a deep breath before heading for the bathroom.

“Sonny?” He called, heading for the first stall. “You in here?”

He heard a small thud coming from the stall and pushed, but the door was, predictably, locked.

“Sonny, I need you to unlock the door.”

He waited a few beats, listening to Sonny mutter a curse or two before the door to the stall opened, presenting him with a very drunk Sonny smiling lazily at him, leaning against the stall wall.

“You came,” Sonny practically sang at him before lunging forward, grabbing hold of him in a hug.

Trevor only just managed to wind his arms around Sonny as he began slipping to the floor, and he sighed, dragging Sonny out of the stall before slinging an arm around his waist to lead him out.

“Have a drink with me!” Sonny shouted over the music, leaning heavily into Trevor’s side.

“I’m taking you home.”

“To yours?” Sonny sounded hopeful, and when Trevor glanced down he was looking up at him with wide, shining eyes and a tentative smile, and Trevor’s heart fluttered in his chest.

He wanted to say yes. He so desperately wanted to say yes. But Sonny was drunk, and though he’d had feelings for Sonny for a while, and he had, on occasion, thought perhaps Sonny felt the same, he knew it wouldn’t be right.

“No,” he said softly once they were outside. “To yours.”

The alone was left unspoken, but he doubted it would matter. Sonny would pass out the moment he got home, and Trevor already knew they would simply forget about this tomorrow, figured Sonny might genuinely forget, considering he was already passing out against Trevor as they walked.


	7. "the worst part is, i loved you anyway"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter tags: angst
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178377181232/the-worst-part-is-i-loved-you-anyway-cargan

Sonny stared at the key in his hand for what felt like an age, a numbness spreading through him as his heart thumped loudly in his ears. He’d thought about moving in with Trevor. Of course he had. It was the next logical step, and he spent almost all of his spare time at Trevor’s apartment anyway.

But the reality of it was too much. The reality meant shifting all of his possessions there, changing his address with everything he’d ever signed up for, canceling various subscriptions to his house, and, worst of all, letting people know.

That was the part he struggled with the most. Trevor was a private man, and dating him had been easy. He hadn’t needed Sonny to be out, to bring him to meet his friends and family, and even though, slowly, some people became aware of their situation, it was still easy, it never needed to be addressed, and Trevor never made him feel like it had to. He wasn’t interested in meeting Sonny’s family if it was only going to cause trouble. He wasn’t interested in meeting people who would likely not only hate him, but potentially hate their son because of him, so they simply hadn’t. No one had to know.

But moving in would mean making that public. Moving in would mean friends and family had to know he was living with another man, and while Trevor’s apartment was large enough for them to pose as housemates, the thought of creating a simple secret into a lie gave him a headache.

Finally, he forced himself to look at Trevor, and he felt his heart crack at the sadness and uncertainty he saw in the usually confident man’s eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he choked out, letting the key drop to the lounge in a move that he felt should have been deafening, but made no sound on the soft fabric. “I can’t.”

“It’s okay,” Trevor said with a sad smile, reaching out to take Sonny’s hand, but he pulled away.

“I just…Trevor, I can’t. I can’t keep doing this to you.” He glanced down at his hands, twisting them in his lap. “I thought I could, but I…I can’t.”

Trevor didn’t respond, and they sat in agonizing silence before Sonny forced himself to make eye contact again.

“I knew this day would come,” Trevor said, sounding old and tired and a little broken. “I’d just hoped we could last a little longer.”

“What do you mean?” Sonny croaked.

“I mean, I knew this had an expiration date. I knew it would become too much for you, one day. I’d naively hoped we could live together for a while first. Pretend for a little longer.”

Sonny stared at him, unable to form words or even fully grasp what Trevor was saying to him. It didn’t make sense, someone staying with him when they knew they’d be hurt in the end. He never would have started this if he knew he would end up hurting someone so incredible. He’d honestly thought this could work. He supposed he’d been just as naive.

“The worst part is,” Trevor sighed, “I loved you anyway.”

Sonny’s heart cracked clean in two, and he felt sick for having caused so much pain. “I love you,” he whispered, voice shaking. “I love you, but I can’t.”

“I know,” Trevor matched his volume, cupping Sonny’s cheek, and Sonny leaned into the touch for a moment before collapsing into Trevor. “I love you, too. Always.”


	8. "I needed you, and you weren’t there"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter tags: angst, emotional hurt/comfort
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178495541802/i-needed-you-and-you-werent-there-cargan

Trevor blinked slowly, unaware of how much time had passed since he’d sat down. He’d been doing that a lot lately, getting lost inside his own head, trying to process what it was he was feeling. He’d thought the funeral would help, thought that allowing himself a rare moment to cry would help, but he realized nothing in the world could help. The loss of a best friend was an indescribable pain, and Trevor had been wholly unprepared.

A frantic knock sounded at the door, reminding him of what had shaken him from his thoughts in the first place, and he sighed, placing his empty scotch glass on the table as he heaved himself up from the lounge. As he peered through the peephole and saw Sonny on the other side, his instinct was a dulled sense of excitement, but as he pulled away to open the door, excitement gave way to anger.

“I’m back,” Sonny breathed out with a tired smile, looking more than a little worse for wear.

Trevor was sure he looked thinner than before, which he would have thought impossible until faced with it. His hair was a mess, sticking up at all angles, and Trevor tracked his eyes down Sonny’s body, taking in every detail. There was a cut on the side of Sonny’s neck, not stitched up, so never deep enough to require it. There was blood crusting on the collar of his t-shirt, and Trevor felt his stomach flip, not wanting to take in any more.

“You got him, then?” He asked, stepping aside to let Sonny in, because, despite the irrational anger he was feeling, he still couldn’t bear to turn Sonny away.

Sonny frowned, dumping his bag on the floor before turning back to Trevor, reaching out for him. The moment Sonny was pulling him into a hug, Trevor pulled back, out of his grasp, away from outstretched hands.

Sonny stared at him, bottom lip quivering, before he swallowed. “Yeah. Ah, yeah, yeah we got him.”

“Good,” Trevor said with a nod, unable to keep the bitterness from his voice as he asked, “Was it worth it?”

Sonny seemed to contemplate him, likely trying to build an appropriate answer to ease Trevor’s mood, but he didn’t want that. He wasn’t entirely sure what he wanted, what the point of feeling angry was, but he knew he didn’t want to be coddled.

“Of course it was worth it,” Sonny settled on, voice shaking a little. “We got another sex trafficker off the streets and all his sidekicks along with him. We saved so many people. That’s the whole…” Sonny trailed off with a small sigh as Trevor folded his arms across his chest. “I thought you understood why I had to do this.”

He didn’t have a response to that. He had understood. He still did, if he were being completely honest. But he also hadn’t anticipated just how much he would need Sonny while he was gone, and while that wasn’t even remotely his fault, it was far easier to be angry at him than to sink back into the lounge and give way to emptiness again.

“Logic, Sonny, would have told you what you needed to know,” he snapped, folding his arms just a little tighter.

Anger flashed in Sonny’s eyes, and he took a breath, turning away for a moment. “God, I understand being upset because you missed me, or you were scared for my life, or whatever. I could understand that. But we talked about this before, and you said—“

“I needed you and you weren’t there!” Trevor shouted, chest heaving at the outburst.

He could feel the prickle of tears at his eyes, could feel his heart beating against his ribcage, too fast, too erratic. He swallowed hard against the lump forming in his throat and let his hands drop to his sides, hanging his head. He clenched and unclenched his fists, trying to gain some sense of composure, but it was no use.

“What happened?” Sonny whispered, tentatively reaching for his hand.

Trevor gripped his hand tight, so tight he was sure it must have hurt, but he couldn’t seem to loosen his hold. He opened his mouth to respond, but all that came out was a shaky breath, and he clamped his mouth shut, along with his eyes, squeezing tight.

“Hey,” Sonny whispered, reaching up to brush his fingers across Trevor’s cheek before cupping it gently. “Talk to me.”

“I’m sorry,” Trevor gasped out, turning his head into Sonny’s palm, pressing a gentle kiss there.

Sonny didn’t respond, just pulled Trevor in close, holding him tightly. His body shook as he tried to hold back his tears, but it was no use, and he gave into them, pressing his face into Sonny’s hair.

“I’ve got you,” Sonny soothed. “I’m here now. I’ve got you.”


	9. "This is vodka, it warms my heart."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter tags: fluff
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178540182917/this-is-vodka-it-warms-my-heart-cargan

Trevor blinked awake, surprised to find the bed cold and empty beside him. It felt like forever since he’d woken up in the middle of the night alone. He and Sonny didn’t live together, but at the rate they were going, they might as well be.

The faint murmur of voices from the TV filtered into the bedroom, distorted by the walls and distance between, and Trevor figured Sonny must have fallen asleep on the lounge watching a game, or an old movie, something from his childhood.

He was expecting to find Sonny sprawled on the lounge, snoring softly, limbs taking up all the available space. Instead, Sonny was sat on the floor, knees drawn up to his chest, the smell of alcohol wafting through the air.

“Hey,” Sonny said with a soft smile, turning as Trevor made his way into the room.

“Why are you drinking at,” he paused, glancing at the clock on the mantel, “two in the morning?”

Sonny grinned at him, lopsided and sleepy, and Trevor felt a pang in his chest, affection filling him up in an instant.

“This is vodka,” he gestured to the bottle sitting beside him. “It warms my heart.”

“I think you’ll find it warms your liver,” Trevor muttered, sitting beside Sonny on the floor, legs folded under him. “If your heart were any warmer it would burn.”

Sonny laughed, resting his head on Trevor’s shoulder. “It’s good for you. Makes you happy.”

“I thought I made you happy?” Trevor teased, covering a flash of concern that Sonny had been feeling miserable enough to turn to alcohol and he’d missed it entirely.

“Course you do,” Sonny slurred, weight pressing into Trevor’s side.

“But not as much as vodka.”

“Nah, I think you’re better than vodka.”

“What a compliment, I’m flattered,” he deadpanned, prompting another laugh from Sonny.

“You’re so…you’re half asleep and you’re still…sassy. A sassy…sasquatch!”

He laughed at his own joke, prompting a surprised laugh from Trevor as Sonny pressed his face into Trevor’s neck.

“Geddit?” Sonny mumbled, lips brushing the skin at the curve of Trevor’s neck. “Cos you’re a giant.”

Trevor rolled his eyes, wrapping his arm around Sonny’s shoulders, not bothering to say another word as Sonny dissolved into laughter again.


	10. “Wait, let me get a picture of you there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter tags: fluff
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178543343107/wait-let-me-get-a-picture-of-you-there

As they walked hand in hand through the streets of Prague, Trevor honestly thought he’d never felt happier. The sun was shining, people were out in their multitudes looking happy, and Sonny was a beacon of light, grinning from ear to ear as he stopped every few seconds to take a photo.

“Wait,” Sonny insisted, stopping Trevor with his hand. “Let me get a picture of you there.”

Trevor looked around them, glancing down at the water below the bridge they were crossing, before looking back at Sonny. “Me?”

“Yeah,” Sonny grinned. “It’s the perfect spot.”

Trevor ducked his head, a light blush dusting his cheeks at the thought of being the subject of a photo like that. He could pose for professional work photos, stand tall and proud for the press, but this was different. This was intimate, and Sonny’s eyes were shining, and the thought made his stomach swoop.

He glanced up at Sonny, who was looking at him, so hopeful, eyes practically begging, and he sighed.

“Okay,” he muttered, turning his head away to take a breath, compose himself.

When he turned back, Sonny was studying his phone, camera still hung around his neck.

“You look perfect,” Sonny breathed out, moving towards him.

“You already took it?”

Sonny nodded, bringing his phone up in front of Trevor’s face. His breath caught in his throat as he slipped his glasses on, taking in the sight of himself. The sun seemed to light him perfectly, accentuating all the angles of his face, his head turned away from the camera. His hair looked lighter, and something about the photo made him look younger.

“You have a keen eye,” he said, voice surprisingly rough.

“I have a good subject,” Sonny said softly, placing a hand on his arm.

Trevor laughed, shaking his head. “If I always looked like that—“

“You do,” Sonny insisted, and before Trevor could protest further, Sonny leaned up on his toes to kiss him.


	11. “I can’t keep kissing strangers and pretending that they’re you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter tags: angst
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178818964292/i-cant-keep-kissing-strangers-and-pretending

Trevor sighed as he spied Sonny through the peephole, and he let his head rest against the door for a moment, closing his eyes. He knew he should walk away, pretend he wasn’t home, ignore Sonny’s knocking until he eventually left, but he didn’t have it in him. The Sonny standing on the other side of the door looked sad and jittery and pale, and Trevor would have had a hard time turning him away even if he’d looked the happiest he’d ever been.

He reached for the handle, forehead still pressed against the wood, willing himself to be stronger than this, reminding himself that he’d ended things with Sonny for a reason. He’d ended things with Sonny because he was young, and vibrant, and optimistic, and he had his whole life ahead of him to figure out what he wanted without being held back by a rapidly aging defense attorney. He’d ended things because there was so much Sonny wanted to see, so much he wanted to do, and Trevor was ready to just settle down and be comfortable. They were at different places in their lives, and it had been too much, too hard, and far too terrifying.

Trevor flinched, snapping from his thoughts as Sonny knocked again, louder and more insistent this time. He took a deep breath, straightening himself before opening the door.

“Can I come in?” Sonny asked in a rush, voice pitched just a little too high, and Trevor didn’t even hesitate before nodding, stepping aside to let him in.

He watched Sonny as he walked into the living room, pausing before walking a few steps back towards Trevor, face twisted with something that seemed far deeper, far more serious than sadness, and Trevor felt a pang deep in his stomach at the sight.

“What happened? What’s wrong?”

Sonny opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out, just a slow, shaky breath, mouth hanging open as he stared at Trevor’s chest, not meeting his eyes.

“Sonny, you’re scaring me,” he said quietly, taking a step towards him. “What happened? Do you need me to call someone, I—“

“I don’t want someone,” Sonny said, voice wavering. Slowly, he lifted his gaze, eyes wide and watery as they focused on Trevor’s face. “I want you.”

Trevor sighed, feeling another pang in his stomach, this time born less from fear and more from guilt. It seemed that no matter what he did he felt guilty.

“Sonny—“

“No,” Sonny bit out, voice sharp. “Don’t give me any of that bullshit. I’m so-so done thinking about that. Jesus Christ.”

Trevor pursed his lips, trying to think of something, anything to say as Sonny sucked in a ragged breath, raking a shaky hand through his hair.

“Why are you here, Sonny?”

“Because I can’t keep kissing strangers and pretending that they’re you!”

Trevor flinched as Sonny’s face came close to his, words echoing around them, loud and rough and so full of emotion it honestly broke Trevor’s heart. Sonny backed down after a moment, his breaths heavy, chest heaving with the effort.

“I miss you,” Sonny whimpered, turning his face away, and Trevor couldn’t help reaching for him and pulling him close.

Sonny pressed his face into Trevor’s shoulder, body trembling as tears soaked into his shirt. He didn’t know what to say, but he held Sonny close anyway, running a soothing hand up and down his back.

“Do you even miss me?” Sonny asked eventually, voice small as he pulled back from Trevor, not quite leaving his arms.

Trevor sighed. “Sonny—“

“Don’t. Just…answer me honestly. Please. You owe me that much.”

Trevor let his eyes fall shut, fingers splaying across Sonny’s back. “Of course I miss you. I miss you every single second of every single day.”

“Then take me back. Let me stay the night.”

Trevor took a deep, shaky breath, trying to find it in himself to say no. But instead he nodded, opening his eyes as he cupped Sonny’s cheek.

“Okay,” he whispered, even as guilt curled in his stomach, taunting him for his cowardice.


	12. “Tell me again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter tags: emotional hurt/comfort
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178931740237/tell-me-again-with-cargan-please

It had been a long day. Every day felt like a long day now, if Sonny was being completely honest. There was a bone-deep exhaustion clinging to him, his every move feeling heavy and forced, and he couldn’t remember what it was like to not feel this way. He knew he had, once upon a time, maybe not even that long ago, but he couldn’t quite remember what it felt like to have any prolonged sense of energy and life inside of him, and the realization terrified him.

He glanced at himself in the mirror, wincing at the bags under his eyes, the added gray to his hair, the lines that now seemed permanently etched into his forehead. He was sure he had once been what people would describe as handsome. Now he just looked tired. As tired as he felt.

His hands shook as he unbuttoned his shirt, caked in dirt and blood that would never wash out. It was the helplessness, the constant despair around him, he was sure, that had slowly eaten away at him until there was nothing left. Not for the first time, he wondered if he was cut out to be a detective, especially at SVU. He’d wanted to be there to help the victims, instead of coming in after they were already dead, but now he thought perhaps death was better. It surely had to be better than the horrors he saw now, the mutilated bodies, the children with dead eyes, the women who were just shells of their former selves.

He slipped his pants off, kicking them to the corner of the room, and tossed his shirt on top before turning away, not wanting to look anymore, not wanting to smell the dirt and blood and grass that reminded him that they’d been too late, that their victim’s chances were so slim that they might as well have left her in the shallow grave they’d found her in.

His arms still ached with the weight of her, and, as though she were in his arms again, he felt his legs grow weak, tired, his entire body ready to give up. Instead of showering as he’d intended, he sat on the edge of the bathtub. Just for a moment, he told himself. Just until he could hold himself up without it feeling like an impossible task.

He was distantly aware of the click of the front door, of footsteps making their way around the apartment, of Trevor’s usual afternoon routine. He knew Trevor would want to use the bathroom, knew he should probably, at the very least, get in the shower, but he couldn’t seem to move.

Trevor stopped at the door to the bathroom, and Sonny stared down at his feet, gripping the edge of the tub.

“I’ll be done in a moment,” he lied, not looking up.

“Take your time.”

There was a pause before Trevor made his way across the tiles, purple socks entering Sonny’s line of vision. A hand came to rest on his shoulder as Trevor knelt down in front of him, forcing eye contact. His eyes were bright despite their concern, smile soft and genuine. He looked so beautiful, so full of life in comparison to Sonny, and it made his heart ache.

“Sorry,” he muttered with a small smile. “It’s been a long day.”

“As I said,” Trevor said softly, pushing a few strands of loose hair back from Sonny’s face. “Take your time.”

Sonny nodded, not knowing what to say.

“I love you,” Trevor murmured as he pressed a kiss to Sonny’s forehead, moving to stand, but Sonny grabbed him by the wrist, silently begging him not to leave.

There was a moment where neither of them talked, neither of them moved, and Sonny swallowed furiously against the lump forming in his throat, trying to fight the voices that told him he didn’t deserve this, that he didn’t deserve Trevor’s love.

Trevor ran his fingers through Sonny’s hair, softly massaging his fingertips against Sonny’s scalp before cupping the back of his head.

“What do you need?”

Truly, he didn’t know. He needed to feel like everything was going to be okay. He needed to feel that what he was doing, what he was putting himself through every single day, was actually worth something. He needed to know that he was doing the right thing, that he was actually helping people, instead if stepping in too late and telling them it would be fine. He needed to believe he was loved, that he was worthy of such a thing.

“Tell me again,” he whispered, voice hoarse, the words struggling to come out.

Trevor stared at him for a moment, confused, before he settled between Sonny’s legs, sitting on the tiles, taking both of Sonny’s hands in his own.

“I love you,” he said, firm but soft. “I love you so much it scares me, sometimes.”

“I love you too.”

“I know.” Trevor laughed softly, cupping Sonny’s cheek.

Sonny leaned into the touch, letting his eyes fall shut, so ready to let the exhaustion consume him. His body felt so heavy, a dead weight that he was ready to give up on.

Trevor leaned back up on his knees, pulling Sonny close against his chest, tight and firm.

“I love you,” he whispered again, voice shaking a little. “You’re the most incredible person I’ve ever met. I need you to believe me.”

Sonny nodded, pressing his face into Trevor’s chest. “I do.”

Trevor reached behind him, starting the bath running before holding Sonny firm again. Sonny knew in the morning he would feel embarrassed by his own weakness, ashamed he’d let himself wallow instead of picking himself back up like he normally did. But right now, he needed this. Right now, Trevor’s touch was the only thing keeping Sonny upright, and he would take everything he could.


	13. "Where did my pants go?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter tags: fluff, allusion to smut, love confessions
> 
> http://sofuckingchuffed.tumblr.com/post/178747926777/where-did-my-pants-go-cargan

Trevor laid back, arms behind his head, enjoying the view as he watched Sonny stumble naked around his bedroom attempting to collect his clothes.

Instead of putting any of the items on, he dumped them on the end of the bed, practically bundled into a ball, rubbing his head as he turned again.

“Where did my pants go?”

Trevor chuckled, and Sonny turned to look at him, panic written on his face, which only made Trevor laugh harder.

“Trevor, it’s not funny!” Sonny insisted, stamping his foot like a child as he crossed his arms over his chest. “I can’t go home without my pants.”

“So don’t go home,” Trevor struggled, holding back his laughter.

“What? No. No I…really?” As though the words had just sunk in, Sonny looked at him, something like awe lighting up his eyes.

“Yes, really,” Trevor said softly, sitting up so he could reach for Sonny.

There was a moment’s hesitation, just long enough for Trevor to doubt that he actually wanted to stay, before Sonny took his hand. He grinned, pulling Sonny towards him, reveling in the way he toppled forward, landing awkwardly in his lap.

Sonny rearranged himself so he was straddling Trevor, and Trevor ran his hands up and down Sonny’s sides before resting them on his hips, firm but gentle, as he tilted his head upward, looking for a kiss.

Sonny cupped his face, eyes searching for a moment before he leaned down to capture Trevor’s lips with his own, warm and passionate. Trevor moaned into the kiss, pulling Sonny’s hips toward him, digging his fingers into the top of Sonny’s ass.

“You really want me to stay?” Sonny asked, breathless, eyes gleaming.

“I don’t say anything I don’t mean.”

Sonny grinned, settling himself properly in Trevor’s lap instead of hovering above him. “You’ve never asked before.”

Trevor chuckled, shaking his head as he pulled Sonny impossibly close. He pressed a delicate kiss to Sonny’s collar bone before resting his head on Sonny’s shoulder with a sigh.

“I was scared you would say no,” he admitted, letting his eyes fall shut.

Sonny remained silent for a moment, letting his fingertips ghost up and down Trevor’s spine before eventually saying, “Look at me?”

Trevor felt his stomach swoop, a knee-jerk nervous reaction to being exposed, to being seen, to being vulnerable in front of another person, but he complied anyway, lifting his head, meeting those sparkling baby blues.

“Is it too early to say I love you? Because I do,” Sonny whispered, cupping Trevor’s face. “I love you so much it hurts sometimes, y’know?”

Trevor laughed, bringing a hand up to cup the back of Sonny’s head. “I don’t think love’s supposed to hurt. Not like that.”

Sonny breathed out a laugh of his own, shaking his head. “Nah, I mean…it…it’s like, there’s too much, and my heart’s gonna burst because of it. It’s a good hurt. The best kind of hurt.”

Trevor felt his heart skip a beat, his stomach swooping once more with nerves, and, unable to look at Sonny any longer, he pulled him in for a searing kiss. Once they broke apart he let their foreheads fall together, his eyes slipping shut.

“I know,” he whispered. “I feel it too.”


End file.
